Outclassing the Class Warrior

You’ve heard about Dark Brandon. You were tempted to vote for Kamala “the Brat” Harris. You have even been prodded to fork over $20 for the pleasure of having Old Man Menshevik shower you with spittle while bleating about “dah billionaires.”

But are your political dendrites prepared for the frisson of the next prog icon, Sassy Andy?

You may remember Andrew Cuomo from such spectacular episodes of malfeasance like dumping thousands of nursing-home wards into the River Styx, oogling his comely aides, and using tax dollars to boost his book sales. The abominable Andrew briefly starred as a pin-up for pining liberals who spent months huddled in their fetid bedsits quadrupled-masked.

Oh, and he was full-out humiliated, dispatched soundly in his quest for the Gotham mayorality nomination by an upstart assemblyman whose only occupational experience was starring in low-res rap videos.

Andrew Cuomo was convinced he’d strut into Gracie Mansion untouched. A formerly popular governor of the state, loyal hoplite in the Democratic vanguard, a CNN regular, heir to an Empire State dynasty—Cuomo packed all the requisite arms to pull of a smooth coup. Sure, the whole Covid-kill-spree-sex-scandal fracas stole his throne briefly away. But F. Scott be damned! Cuomos defy the odds and win. So what if a nepo-socialist like Zohran Mamdani scored a TKO during the first bout. Cuomos have a few tricks up their sleeves, and aren’t ashamed to stuff a little plaster of Paris in their gloves.

What’s Andy’s ace for matching Mamdani’s superior hand? A favorite tactic of the D.C. politariat: Twitter shittalk. Cuomo probably still whips out a Nokia 5110 to dial his mother. So the prestigious burden falls onto the next authority in the comms hierarchy: a Gen Z intern.

Somebody—certainly not the former governor—has upgraded the Cuomo Twitter account from “staid consultant pap poster” to “edgy mudslinger.” The metamorphosis began with chest-puffing challenge: “In case you forgot, I’m Andrew Cuomo, son of Mario, grandson of Andrea. Welcome to the heavyweight bout, @ZohranKMamdani. This is a two man race. You look tired already. It’s just the second round.”

BOOM. Andrew Cuomo, tested scion of a much-balloted clan, hops off the mat and leads with a furious right hook… only to swipe at air? The bell already rang for Mamdani when he uppercutted his upper-crust opponent back in June. Cuomo is miming the style of New York’s other famously brash politician in pretending his loss never happened, like it was some mass delusion without substantiation.

Bravado makes a potent political brand. Just ask the three-dozen-or-so soft-toned, starched-collar Republican hopefuls Donald Trump skunked in 2016. The President pulled off something unique a decade ago: he crumbled the third wall in the broadcast of respectful political debate, which was a put-on of thoughtful discourse for NPR listeners. Barack Obama and Mitt Romney discussing the intricacies of raising marginal tax rates on those raking in over $550,000 annually to provide a tax rebate on preventative health screenings for the fully employed with a salary between Medicaid-eligibility and the price of a new Cadillac Escalade? *Snooooorreeeeeeeee.* Trump calling the former governor of Florida a flaccid wimp, gibing a senator over his diminutive stature, taunting the looks of an opponent’s wife? Here are the keys to the Oval Office, sir!

Cuomo wants to turn an election he already lost into a schoolyard flex contest. He’s even got his own class-war gimmick to compete with Mamdani’s Marxian goody bag. The ploy is the oldest in the poli-playbook: an accusation of hypocrisy!

“Somewhere last night in New York City, a single mother and her children slept at a homeless shelter because you, assemblyman @ZohranKMamdani are occupying her rent controlled apartment,” Cuomo salvoed. Who is this theorized bumess with a cold, unsheltered child? Despite deliberately bungling the concept of transitive property, Cuomo’s curse reads like Mamdani, in his unquenchable thirst for collectivizing the means of production, booted a poor single mother from her affordable dwelling so he could establish a commie cloister from which to launch his revolution.Then the embittered governor went personal on the paycheck: “You make $142,000 a year plus stipends, and your wife works too, meaning you together likely make well over $200,000. No matter which way you cut it: Zohran Mamdani is a rich person. You are actually very rich.”

A well-walleted socialist? Bah gawd, that’s Bernie Sanders’s tax bracket!

Cuomo is desperate to commandeer the low-class resentment of his chief competitor. His means is a proposed policy—”Zohran’s Law”—that would bar landlords of rent-stabilized apartments from renting to anyone paying less than 30% of his or her income towards the monthly nut.

The chances of such an involuted bill passing the City Council? Slim. Would Zohran’s Law even apply to its freeloading namesake? Nope. Did Andrew Cuomo as governor sign a law making it harder to means-test rent-controlled units? Of course.

But does Cuomo get to stage his comeback by calling the redistributionist frontrunner a champagne socialist? Affirmative. Two wealthy idlers trying to prove who has more working-class bona fides to run America’s largest city—the class-traitor populares circus our country deserves!