How to Win with a Nazi Candidate

*Clap.*

Hussah! We’ve got Republicans on the damn run. Can you believe our sea-shaded luck? Our opponent in a quaint, verdant New England state is at last the caricature sketch we’ve always drawn of Republicans. Wealthy failson; misogynist; actual Führer fanboy. And best of all, this little Reichian goosestepper is a Senate nominee. Which means free seat in the one congressional body that occasionally exercises sway over the President.

Forgot Michelle Obama—this albino Anschluss adorer is the DNC’s silver bullet. Or should I say ace in the hole? These Dems bristle their short hair at the mention of firearms.

Now it’s time to do as any good D.C. consultant does. Swoop in after months of husting sweat’s been spilt, just to overcharge on media-placement fees in the home stretch. We’ll make Mike Murphy look like some “West Wing” binge dweeb.

I’ll make a clean breast and admit my six-figure-billing firm hasn’t paid a soupçon of attention to the shady glade of a state. Aren’t all these top-corner states bluer than the water at Turks and Caicos? This isn’t a race; it’s an AMG versus a pedi-cab. Plus, far as we D.C. advisors are concerned, Maine might as well be Wyoming. Does the Acela even go past Connecticut?

Seriously, I’m going to buy Graham Platner’s poppa a Boca Grande condo for gifting us such an exquisite specimen of a scion. Except there’s no need to splash out. Platner père already sits in tall cotton. In fact, the Platner clan is greener than the Pine Street state itself. Granddaddy Platy was a renowned architect who scoped and scaled parts of the Ford Foundation’s HQ. Ya know, the same Foundation that played Maecenas with the CIA’s coup-dough? Graham also plays in stolen roughneckism: his oyster-farming is just a hobby. Privileged, pampered upbringing with murky ties to a commie-crushing bureaucracy. $trike one.

Platner the Hopeful is young enough for a record of unbidden blue talk—and I ain’t talkin’ prog stump speech. He’s a #metoo nightmare manifest. Blind belief in brutalized women is a Democrat article of faith. Here’s Platner’s gentlemanly advice to any gal worried about a roofy in her vodka-cranberry: “[H]ow about people just take some responsibility for themselves and not get so f*** up they wind up having sex with someone they don’t mean to?” Hooooooo boy! Not only does Graham blame the victim, he implies reciprocal consent. Prince Charming in tartan continued: “So if you don’t want to be in a [compromising] situation, act like an adult for f*** sake.” An ode to taking responsibility? That’s the last thing voters want to hear. $$trike Two.

Platner’s next piske is at the Democrats’ second biggest constituency: blacks. Platner can’t avoid his native white puritanism, asking why Afro-Americans are a bunch of cheapskates. “Every now and again a black patron will leave a 15-20% tip, but usually it [is] between 0-5%. There’s got to be a reason behind it, what is it?” he wondered aloud on a Reddit forum. For America’s most mythic and fragile race, such questions are strictly verboten. Inquiries about social deviancy are met with that stern occupation-erasing accusation: RACIST. Such thoughtcrime should not only bar Graham from Congress, but also his quaint rustic village until his dying breath. $$$trike Three.

An easy political out already. But then comes the chef d’oeuvre of candidate cancellations. Graham Platner is a real-life Derek Vinyard. The man actually inked a Nazi death-camp symbol on his pec. Allow me to repeat, because, somewhere, James Carville is doing backflips. This white-trash hooligan bigot has a literal Holocaust tribute on his chest. Forgive any typos because my eyes are blinded by visions of past presidents perfectly printed on reams of greenbacks.

I’m no believer, but being gifted a Republican opponent with a Dachau homage must be divine intervention, a blessed lagniappe, manna from heaven. Platner is the new Alf Landon; his routing will be so complete that Nagasakians will consider their fiery annihilation a tepid mercy. His totenkopf is a keen stand-in for his campaign—absolute walking death. And I just read on CBS’s Portland affiliate the dumb bastard actually covered it up with some teenage Hibernian sketch and a cartoony dog. Easy. Money.

Oh, felix culpa for your trusted consultant coming in to piggyback whomever our candidate is over the finish line. Imagine! Our guy could be a nonentiy. Or a Boy Scout with a bowl cut and rectangle-frame specs. No matter! A silver-spooned Adolf-stan with a penchant for badmouthing rape victims? Not even Aaron Sorkin’s pinkish noodle could sprout such a character. Yessir, this gravy train is full and running!

…whatsthat?

Graham Platner is the Democrat?!

Look, I know my eyes have been drawn to other contests in states where the population doesn’t half in the winter. But really? A Schutzstaffel prog with golden Huggies and a mouth like Harvey Weinstein? This might be a tougher nut to crack than I thought—and I was a gopher on the John Edwards campaign.

*Pulls out shotted spiral notebook.* Guess it’s back to the classics. Hey! Get the video team in here. And grab someone non-filthy commuters off the sidewalk, preferably black women with footwear fancier than tennis shoes. These New England blue bloods love their minorities, since they have more moose than moors in their state.

We need to get the narrative pat and put out immediately. Repeat after me, then make whatever warm bodies you lug in parrot likewise. “Vote blue no matter who.” “Vote blue no matter who.” “Vote blue no matter who.”

Regurgitate those five words like a mantra. Then… let’s see. What are our other clients saying. Ah. Senator Van Hollen is blaming the Hitlerian misogyny on PTSD. Good start! Lefties love their mental-anguish excuses as much as they love popping SSRIs. Anyone else? Our amoral hatchetfriends at The Bulwark say voters crave “authenticity”—and they have focus group findings to prove it! Nothing says cha-ching like loaded questions to feed prefabricated answers. And—LOOK!—Obama campaign alum Jon Favreau called Platner “a good, decent man who’s struggled and grown.” He actually used Kampf as a compliment… that clever clogs!

Well, there are the marching orders. Graham Platner is a real, hardworking shucker who will liberate Maine from this corrupt Administration’s Gestapo takeover. Repeat ad nauseam. Time to become Baudrillard and reify this précis. Place the ads; fire up the Reels; print the palm cards; drill the doorknockers; beam the tag into every YouTube video playing from *checks Wikipedia* Kittery to Caribou.

Graham Platner has always been a kind, if misunderstood, progressive champion. He ain’t no Nazi and never was!